… it’s better than sunshine, it’s better than moonshine and damn sure better than the rain. - from ‘Soulshine’ by Allman Brothers written by Warren Haynes.
Pure Joy.
This just makes me so happy. That’s why I got into photography… it’s why I will try and never get out! :)
My sweet Gabby. I miss her.
Gabby came into my life out of selfishness on my behalf. Yep, I decided to volunteer. Volunteering is a cover up. Everyone thinks people are so grand that volunteer but I know I volunteered because maybe I wasn’t being the person I thought I should be… and I knew I would feel better after doing so. Helping is undoubtedly amazing… its healing to feel like you’ve made a difference and that’s what I mean by selfish… You help someone else but I could guess 99% of the time the person volunteering benefits more in a non-tangible way more than the person on the other end of the help. I’m by no means looking down on volunteering but I have to admit my reasoning… Volunteering with the organization called HERO for Children did what I had expected… AND THEN SOME. Gabby is my mentee… technically, but I’ll be the first to say she’s mentored me more probably than I would’ve ever mentored her.
She’s half my age but has lived and learned from more lessons than I never wish to learn through experience. She has a smile that is constant and big but always seems to be at 95%… there’s more smile in her but I’m not sure she’d ever waste on it a joke or a good time… but her soul shines despite her not-all-the-way there smile, despite her sadness of being kept out of cheerleading for a year because she couldn’t get a physical in time, despite not being able to do certain things she loves because her irregular heartbeat, despite not being able to many things that I consider normal and expected in a childhood because of reasons beyond her control. We’d go eat, she loves burgers, and every place we went she seemed at awe of the restaurant and always overly thankful for her food… My thank yous to her probably never hit home. I doubt she’ll ever fully fathom her little strength that added to mine. In the time we hung out, probably twice a month or so for a year she lost more than I’ve lost in all my years… she lost her health that subsequently caused her to lose her passion, but she said it was ok and that she’s happy she caught it early and was content in doing flags instead of cheerleading. She lost her dog (as a dog lover put me into mini depression and we had to have a few extra french fries with the burgers that day) but she said that she was sad but she was more sad for her mom who had loved her dog so much. Then, she lost her mom. I found out from our volunteer coordinator late at night and tried to get a hold of her the next day but she was at school… she was at school? Yep. I got to talk to her on the phone and she didn’t cry… I did. To be perfectly honest, I balled… SELFISHLY. I was struggling hard at that time and when she talked to me and sounded so strong and so content with the idea of moving on, that these things happen, that we all find better places as we pass or move on. I cried for my own pity of not being able to handle my hurt in that way, I cried for her loss and I cried a lot for the fact that she will never be able to let herself cry. She’s grown up to expect that life doesn’t owe you anything… you’re not promised nor do you deserve anything just for being alive. She valued her time with her mom and, my throat hurts as I choke back tears writing this, I remember her exact words on the phone when I told her, “Gabby, you know it’s ok to be sad about this…” and she said so matter-of-fact, “Erika, I was sad at first and thought how can I live without my momma, but then in the hospital I saw her and I just knew that she was going to a better place.” It’s so simple, right?
She is an angel in my eyes… she just fights and she doesn’t even know that she’s fighting because nothing has ever just been too easy and therefore her attitude is nothing is too hard. But she still shines… her soul truly shines. At half my age she is still an amazing inspiration, just her and her resiliency. I think most would think she would remind me to value the things I have but more so, to strive for those things I am not… to work at those things I fall short of every day… and remember nothing is promised to us. Let your soul shine… Gabby always does.
FAMILY PORTRAIT SPECIAL will roll outta my email box into yours sometime next week… email me for details or to book now as availability will be limited. erika@erikaleighphotography.com!
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